


so i'll try, because that's all i can really do

by BoysAndBoysAndGirlsAndGirls



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Neglect, Healthy Relationships, I'm a hoe for found family tropes, Implied Autistic Character, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, The education system is fucked up, but fighting is healthy, dyslexic character, little bit fluff, yes they fight for one scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27554683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoysAndBoysAndGirlsAndGirls/pseuds/BoysAndBoysAndGirlsAndGirls
Summary: Kageyama Tobio, and all the years that define him(Read tags for trigger warnings)
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 10
Kudos: 183





	so i'll try, because that's all i can really do

Tobio is 5 when he realizes there’s something wrong with him.

“It’s not that hard, Tobio. Just try to read.”, the teacher bends downs to look at him in the face, clearly exhausted.

“I’m trying! I can’t do it.”, he says back, wiping the tears on his sleeve.

“Everyone else can do it. You can too.”, he doesn’t know if she’s trying to be motivating, but all she succeeds at doing is making him feel small.

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!”, he crumbles up the paper into a ball and throws it at her, watching her eyes grow big as she holds his arm in a tight grip.

“That’s it.”, he tries to pry her hands off but she’s so much stronger, “I’m calling your parents.”

She drags him along, ignoring his pleas, as he wonders why he can’t do it.

He’s trying, he really is, but it’s like the letters are jumping, the words are scrambled, it’s just not happening.

“I can’t do it.”, he chokes out between sobs.

The teacher puts down the phone and sighs, “Why? Why can’t you?”

“I can’t.”

She lets out a large groan as she releases his hand, moving towards the blackboard.

“Apple.”, she says as she scrawls on the board with a chalk, “Look closely.”

He squints and stares at the words like she asked him to, “Okay.”

“Now.”, she raises a hand to wipe the word off, “You do the same thing that I did.”

He tentatively reaches for the chalk she holds out and climbs onto the stool she pushes.

Tobio takes in a deep breath, and repeats the word to himself.

Moving his hand across the board, his final outcome is the word apple, with the e facing the opposite direction, a singular l, and the a looking more like an o.

A loud slap resounds across the room, all the students’ focus now on him.

He holds his cheek tightly, the tears now staining his palm too, as she presses her fingers to her forehead.

Picking up her phone once again, she mutters, “Go wash your face, and stop crying.”

“But.”, he starts, yet he stops, feeling the gaze of everyone.

“What?”

“They’re like bunnies.”

Her angry expression changes into a confused one, “Bunnies?”

Tobio nods vigorously, “Yeah, they jump around, like bunnies.”

“Stop making up things.”, she hisses, “Just admit that you don’t pay attention.”

“I’m not making it up! It’s true.”

“I said go wash your face. I’ll get your parents.”, she repeats, holding the phone up to her ear.

His head hangs down as he walks to the washroom.

No one ever understands.

Tobio is 7 when he gets into his first fight.

“Tobio, you can’t just punch somebody.”, his mom says, her voice grainy through the phone.

“But he started it!”, he shouts, looking out of the car window.

“What did he do?”, she asks, “And don’t raise your voice at your mother.”

“He called me stupid.”

“So?”

“He said that I keep failing because I’m stupid.”

“Then why’d you hit him?”

“Because he said that I was stupid!”

“Just because he said that doesn’t mean you can punch him.”

“Then, what am I supposed to do?”, he crosses his arms over his chest, trying to hold back tears.

She takes a deep breath, “You shouldn’t have said anything. You should have just ignored it.”

“But he-.”

“No more excuses.”, she seethes, “Do you know how bad you’ve made me look?”

His grandfather turns around from the driver’s seat, offering him a sympathetic look.

“Already the other parents judge me because we let you stay with your grandfather, and now what will they think when they hear my son is beating up other children?”

“You didn’t let me stay with grandpa, you left me.”, the dam holding back his tears shatters and a sob breaks through.

“You know what? I have to go now. I have better things to do.”

He’s about to hand the phone back when she says, “Also, stop crying. Boys don’t cry.”

And with those parting words, she cuts the call. 

Tobio is 9 when someone understands him for the first time

“It’s hard, isn’t it?”, Kazuyo asks, tapping the soil where he just planted a seed.

“What’s hard?”, he asks back, watering their lily pant with a hose.

“School.”, he answers simply.

“Yeah, I don’t really like it. But I tolerate it so that I can play volleyball.”, droplets of water slide down the white petals, some of them landing on Tobio’s bare feet.

Chuckling, Kazuyo reaches for the shovel to dig another hole in a different spot, “I was the same.”

“Really?”

“Things that others found easy were harder for me, and even small things took me too much time to learn.”

The hose falls onto the ground, slipping out of his grip.

“Ah!”, his grandfather exclaims, quickly turning off the tap, “We can’t let the lily get too much water.”

“You mean, you feel that way too?”, he says, frozen still.

He nods, “It took me too long to even learn to read. And even when I did, it always felt weird.”

Tobio jumps to embrace his grandfather, who is shocked at first, but hugs him back immediately.

“There’s nothing wrong with me?”

Pressing a kiss to his forehead, he says, “Of course not. Everyone’s different and that’s okay.”

A tear slides down his face, like droplets on petals.

Tobio is 12 when he gets his heart broken for the first time. 

It shouldn’t bother him this much.

It’s just a slap, and it didn’t even actually hit him.

But, as Oikawa’s hand neared his face all he saw was his teacher who told him he made up his concerns, his mother who wanted him to stop humiliating him and the people who called him stupid.

And yet, he still liked him.

How pathetic.

Tobio is 13 when the first person who understood him dies.

The funeral is a bleak affair, as it should be, with his parents showing up moments before it begins.

They don’t hold him, they don’t comfort him, but Miwa does. She holds his hand and her tears back, as she bows to everyone who offers their condolences, and glares at their parents every now and then.

“I’m sorry Tobio.”, she whispers once they’re back home, being careful not to wake up their parents, “I’m sorry our parents are so shitty.”

“They’re not that bad.”, he says.

“You don’t have to lie to me. They’re shitty and you know it.”

He doesn’t say anything, and just cries into her shoulder. 

“I can’t do anything now, but one day, I’ll come and get you out of here.”, she says, her tears finally flowing. 

“Promise?”, he asks.

She smiles, “Promise.”

Tobio is 14 when he learns what it's like to be truly left behind. 

The ball falls to the ground, and the whistle blows. 

He walks to the bench and catches the eye of Oikawa in the stands. 

He looks away, as though he's not worth his time and attention. 

He might not be on the court anymore, but he left a part of him over there. 

(and Miwa still doesn’t come for him) 

Tobio is 15 when he's given another chance.

And he takes it. 

He spreads his wings and flies with everyone else. 

Being alive hasn’t felt this good in a long time. 

Even if Miwa still hasn't come back for him. 

Tobio is 16 when he accepts help for the first time. 

“What are you retarded?”, his classmate taunts, laughing at his so-called joke. 

“Leave me alone.”, he says. He would fight back except he's already on a tightrope with the teachers. 

“Yeah, you better leave.”, a voice repeats from behind Tobio.

“Tsukishima?”

Yamaguchi emerges from behind him, looking angrier than he's ever seen him. 

“What are you two going to do then, huh?” 

“Hmm, let's see. Who do you think the teacher will believe? A delinquent like you or me?”, he asks, walking forward and looking down at him. 

His confidence clearly deflates, as he mumbles a whatever and walks away. 

“You don't have to deal with that piece of shit alone, you know?”, Yamaguchi says, placing a hand on his shoulder, “If Hinata was here, he'd be dead.” 

Looking at his friends, he says, “Yeah, I know.”

Maybe he didn't need Miwa to come help him, maybe he could do it on his own.

Tobio is 17 when he puts a name to what he's been feeling all along. 

“It's called dyslexia.”, Kei states, Hinata looking up from his phone. 

“What?”

“Did you not hear what Tobio just said?”, Tadashi asks, shoveling a spoon of ice cream into his mouth. 

“What did he say?”, Shoyou says, putting his phone away. 

“Tobio was telling us about how he got whacked by his teacher for writing apple wrong.”

“You wrote apple wrong?” 

“That's not what you should be saying, you dickhead.”, Kei grumbles. 

“Then what?”

“Dyslexia makes reading difficult. And that's why Tobio wasn’t able to read properly.” 

Oh.

“So, it's an actual thing?”, he asks, staring down his chocolate ice cream.

“Yeah.”, Kei says, his eyes soft.

With the knowledge that he’s the one in the right, he wonders if his teacher ever thinks back to the boy she humiliated and whose concerns she dismissed. 

He hopes she regrets it.

Tobio is 18 when he crosses paths with the person who broke his heart again. 

And it’s actually going well.

Oikawa sighs, the action releasing a puff of air into the cold, as he turns to look at Tobio. The loud music reverberates from behind them, but the noise is significantly less in the balcony.

“Hi.”, he says, clearly drunk, and giggles after.

Tobio looks away and offers a small nod in return.

“So cold.”, he whispers and he doesn’t know whether he’s referring to his demeanor or the weather.

“You played well today.”

“You too, Oikawa-san.”

He looks at the stars, the moonlight giving Oikawa a celestial glow.

“Do you know anything about constellations, Tobio?”

No honorific. 

“No, not really.”

“Okay.”, he holds on to Tobio’s upper arm as he points to a particular part of the sky with his other hand, “You see that weird shape there?”

He hums, more focused on their close proximity.

“That’s ursa major. It’s supposed to look like a bear.”, he continues, his eyes shining.

“Oh.”

“Do you see it? Doesn’t it look like a bear?”, his words start slurring.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“And that one.”, he gestures to another spot, “That’s a hunter.”

“A hunter?”

“Yeah. Look, that’s the-.”. he pauses and snaps his fingers and looks to Tobio for help, “You know, the thing that they shoot from.”

“A bow?”

“A bow!”, he exclaims, his hands once again wrapping themselves around his bicep, “And that’s his belt. And that’s his legs.”

“That’s cool.”

“It is, isn’t it?”

Oikawa chuckles and moves closer to him when someone passes by them, “Do you want to know why I know this?”

“Sure.”

“I like aliens.”, he confesses, sounding ecstatic.

“Yeah, no shit. You have alien pajamas and an alien bedsheet”, he responds.

“Oh yeah, I do.”, he reflects on this sentence for a few seconds before he speaks again, “Tobio, did I tell you that you played well?”

“Yeah.”

“Because you did. You did play well today.”, he nods solemnly as he says this, looking down at the cars not that far below them.

They stand next to each other in silence, ignoring the party going on inside.

Things are going well, and he can feel his heart healing faster than ever.

He barely has to focus on his studies anymore, all he has to do is pass which Kuroo helps him with.

His parents are finally out of his life, now that he doesn’t have to depend on them anymore.

Everything is good, surprisingly so.

Looking at the boy he’s loved for too long, who is finally in his reach, he hopes that this period of his life never ends.

Tobio is 19 when his and the person who broke his heart’s paths merge into one.

The light from the computer illuminates his face as they’re both hunched on Oikawa’s bed watching some shitty romantic comedy.

“This is terrible.”, Tobio says, but is shushed by him waving his hand in front of his face.

“Wait, this is the important part.”

“You’re kidding me.”, he deadpans, “There’s no way security would have let him go through the gate.”

“It’s a movie Tobio-chan.”, he shoves a handful of popcorn into his mouth after which he slaps his arm.

“Yeah, but can’t you make it look a little realistic?”

“I refuse to let you shit all over my favorite movie trope.”, he sticks his tongue out, turning the laptop away from him.

Tobio turns it back, not because he wants to but because he’s petty, “I can’t believe you actually like airport scenes.”

Oikawa shuts the laptop down, places it on his bedside table and turns to him.

“Fine then. What do you think is romantic?”, he challenges, resting his elbows on the pillow.

“I don’t really think about romance.”

“Then think about it now.”, he nudges him, waiting for his answer, “Come on~.”

He takes a few seconds to contemplate it, but when he thinks of love all that comes to mind is soft brown hair, light hazel eyes and a teasing voice.

“I just think love doesn’t have to be all grand gestures, you know?”, he looks away, feeling the embarrassment rise up in him, “Just being comfortable with each other.”

He hums, prompting him to go on. 

The room is dark, so Oikawa probably can’t see the colour on his cheeks, but he still tries to hide his face, “Doing domestic things. Seeing each other at their worst. Being vulnerable.”

He makes a small noise of affirmation. 

“Not feeling the need to look nice in front of each other.”

The bed creaks as he moves in closer. 

“I think I get what you mean.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Things like cooking together.” 

Tobio thinks back to them making curry a few hours back. 

“And then.”, he continues, “Maybe watching shitty movies while wearing your finest attire which is your ugly pajamas.”

Oikawa brings up a hand to cup his cheek and he lets him. 

“Can I?”, Tobio asks, his breath ghosting over his lips. 

“Please.” 

“So, you admit the movie was shitty?”

“Shut up and kiss me again.”

Tobio is 20 when he makes a promise that he doesn’t know if he can keep

“Are you okay?”, Tobio asks when Tooru doesn’t respond to his question about who he thinks will be eliminated on this episode of some cooking show they were watching.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”, he says in return, walking away.

“Okay.”

And Tobio thought that was the end of that conversation.

But it wasn’t.

“You said you were fine!”, he shouts, as Tooru leans against the kitchen counter with anger painted over all of his features.

“But I clearly wasn’t!”, he screams back, pushing himself off where he was standing, “How can you not get that?”

“You said that you were fine.”

“God, Tobio.”, he runs a hand through his hair, “No one ever says that they’re not fine.”

“I do. I tell you when I’m not doing okay.”, he counters.

Tooru grabs a plate from the sink and smashes it on the floor, the white pieces a stark contrast to the black tile.

Ignoring Tobio’s gasp, he speaks, “Well, news flash! Not everyone’s like you. Most people actually have emotions.”

He spits out the last sentence, turning away from him with a frustrated scoff.

“I’m sorry.”, he says, “I’m sorry I can’t understand people easily. I’m sorry I’m so stupid. I’m sorry.”

Sinking to his knees, he lets out a loud sob, “I’m sorry I make everyone around me so irritated.”

“Tobio, I-.”

“I’m sorry I can’t do anything right.”

Tooru steps forward to wrap his arms around him, but he moves away.

“But I’m trying. I really am.”

He sits across from him, a little distance away because of the pieces of glass between them, “I know you are.”

He extends a hand to him, but Tobio simply stares at it.

“It’s just hard sometimes. And it hurts when it always seems like you don’t actually like me.”

“I do like you. But this is new to me, and you’ve dated like eighty people.”, he accepts his hand and laces their fingers together. 

“I have messed around a lot.”, he chuckles, “But none of them were you.”

All that leaves Tobio’s mouth is a short exhale, his words rendering him speechless, as he buries his head into his knees.

“I’m sorry.”

He would like to say that it’s fine, but it isn’t, at least not right now, so instead he settles for, “I’ll try to understand you better.”

“And I’ll try to be more honest with you.”, he says, getting up from his awkward position, crossing over to where he is, and sits down again. 

He leans his head onto Tooru’s shoulder, wiping his tear on his shirt.

Holding up a piece of the shattered plate, he asks, “Do you think we can fix it?

And this time Tobio understands that he’s not referring to one of their few fancy plates.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so.”

Tobio is 22 when the boy he loves finally begins seeing himself the way he sees him

“You’re beautiful.”, he says, pressing his lips to the side of his cheek, “I don’t understand why you can’t see it.”

Tooru rolls his shorts back down, now that he’s shown him what he wanted to, “I don’t know. It’s just.”

He places his hand on his thigh in an effort to comfort him, and he holds it.

“I never felt good enough. Even now, I don’t think I’m good enough for you.”

“Tooru, you know I-.”

“Wait. Let me finish.”

Nodding, he gestures for him to continue.

“You’ve done so much for me, and all I’ve done is hurt you.”

He brings his knees up and wraps his arms around it, and all Tobio wants to do is take away all of his pain.

“And in high school, it got bad.”

He stops for a second, as a short sob breaks through.

“That’s why I did… this.”

Tobio slowly moves closer, feeling tears in his eyes too.

“I don’t know why, but I hated myself so much.”

Past tense.

“But I feel better, now that I’m with you.”

He can’t hold back any longer, and he traps him in a hug, “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”

“It’s fine. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you either.”, he says, his voice muffled because of him burying his face into his shoulder.

“You’re amazing, and you’ve always been amazing to me.”

Tooru detaches from the hug but they’re joined together again when he kisses him.

Whispers of love confessions and salty tears mingle into their lips, in a moment reserved for only the two of them. 

“Wait.”, Tobio says, pulling away and running away to their bedroom.

When he returns, he holds a small black marker in his hands.

“Can you?”, he asks, with a loose grasp at the hems of his pants.

Tooru pulls up the shorts, to reveal marks that look like they must have hurt a lot, but are now healed scars.

But it’s still a horrific sight, at least to Tobio, the thought that the boy he loves sees himself as anything less than the most incredible person, sends a deep ache through his body.

Uncapping the marker with his mouth, he makes a small line on his thigh, ignoring his complaints that it tickles.

It takes him approximately eleven seconds to finish, a pleased look on his face as he inspects his art.

“What did you do?”, he asks curiously, as he peeks at his legs.

On his thigh is a little drawing of a heart with KT+OT written in the middle of it. 

Tooru jerks his head up to stare at him, who looks down with a blush on his cheeks.

“I love you.”, is all he says.

“I love you too.”

As they watch TV in their small apartment later, Tobio thinks they’ll make it through whatever the world throws at them.

Tobio is 23 when he realizes he loves someone more than he loves volleyball.

There’s red on their jerseys, red on the flag they represent and burning red in their hearts.

Tooru waves to the crowd, his charming smile even more beautiful today because it’s genuine.

And like clockwork, Tobio’s heart skips a beat.

In all honesty, he cannot believe he got so lucky to be standing on the court with some of the most important people in his life.

The first person who he completely trusted after his grandfather’s death speaks animatedly as he jumps around with his orange hair bouncing.

The person who he used to face off against and is now his mentor stands tall with the word USHIJIMA emblazoned onto his back.

And then there’s the person he loves more than anything in the world.

The person who helped him understand himself.

Oikawa Tooru.

The one he will always stand by.

Tobio is 24 when he finds his real family

The smell of pizza and cheap beer seep through their living room, overpowering the vanilla scent diffuser that Tooru had insisted on buying, while the sound of laughter and playful voices can be heard in the whole house.

“God, our neighbors are going to hate us, aren’t they?”, he leans over to whisper in Tobio’s ear, watching Matsukawa and Nishinoya get into another argument. 

“We just moved in though. And we gave them cookies!”, he responds.

“Well, unfortunately, you cannot sway people with cookies Tobio.”

They’re interrupted when Iwaizumi mumbles something from where he’s passed out on the couch, and snorts loudly.

“Iwa-chan is just as much of a hoodlum when he’s asleep apparently.”, he comments.

“Also, why did we think it was a good idea to let Kunimi and Kei meet?”, Tobio says, when he sees Kei say something to Hinata, most likely insulting his height, which earns him a high-five from Kunimi. 

“Those two could plot the downfall of human civilization if they wanted to.”

Atsumu hollers something as he downs a cup of some weird concoction that he’d made earlier and jumps down face first onto the floor, and Tooru laughs unapologetically.

“I’m going to get some more chips, want some?”, he asks, and when Tobio shakes his head, he leaves to their kitchen.

Ushijima walks past him, retaining his composure even though he probably drank the most out of everyone in the room.

Yachi looks right in place next to Hinata, who holds her hand tight, like he can never let go, even if he’s flicking a chip at Hoshiumi.

It’s not a very formal housewarming, but it was never intended to be. He’s pretty sure that the word formal and Bokuto don’t go in the same sentence anyway.

“You will not believe what Ushiwaka just said.”, he shouts, the whole room turning to look at him.

“Did he tell you that you should’ve come to Shiratorizawa again?”, Suga asks.

“He told me that I should’ve come to Shiratorizawa again!”

“It’s true.”, Ushijima chimes in, and Tooru scoffs. 

“It’s literally been years, there’s nothing I can do about it!”, he says, “And we’re on the same team now!”

“That is true, yes.”, he agrees, “But it still would have been better if you-.”

“No. Nope. You are not allowed to do this today. I will not tolerate it.”

As everyone erupts in laughter at Ushijima's persistence, Tobio looks around the room, and he thinks of what brought him to this point.

A broken plate, a pair of wings, droplets on petals, hearts drawn with markers, shitty romantic movies and constellations on starry nights; all of these have shaped him into who he is today.

Kageyama Tobio is 24 years old and he is looking forward to the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm back. I've wanted to write this for a while, because i usually write happier fluffy things, and this is different for me. I've tried to depict dyslexia as best as i can, and the bunnies line was from my friend who is dyslexic, so i have done the research. Please let me know if you find something wrong with it though. Thank you all for reading and i hope you're doing okay!  
> Also, i do not think the word r*t*rd*d should be used at all. i also have a learning disability and it's been used against me a few times, and it is extremely wrong. In this fic, it is used as an example for what you should not do. Never use the word because it's a slur against people like me.


End file.
